I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Randomize
