I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
