i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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