I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
