Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
