I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
