they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
