i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
