I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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