My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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