New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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