So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
