I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
