'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
