My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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