i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
