i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
