so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
