i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
