Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
