I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
