You smell like a Billy Joel song
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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