Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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