he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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