you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
