he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
