Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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