I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I looked at my own cervix.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
