When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
We got so high we made milksteak
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
