I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
