Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
