He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
