Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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