puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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