I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
