btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
