On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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