I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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