if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
