The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
