Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
