Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
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