so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
