I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
