one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
