found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
