Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
