he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
