Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
