she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
