it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
