I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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