I think scott just propositioned me for sex
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
