Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
