i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
