I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
