if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
